I'm not up for sharing details, nor do I feel pressured to but I can pretty much guess you have an idea that the last year has been one of the most difficult I have had to endure. Sure, life has been tough before but there is something unique about this part of the journey that has had me floored and on my knees in ways that I haven't experienced before. My life has been smashed to pieces, pulled apart and left like pieces of a mosaic lying around me which I have had no idea of how or where to begin to put it back together. (A vision that was given to me by a beautiful friend 7 years ago!) Nor have I had the energy or motivation. Grief is such an all consuming thing and it has been faithful friends who have reminded me that I am way harder on myself than I should be.
God has me in the palm of his hand, right where he wants me. Humbled, broken but not alone. He is the one putting things back together. He is the one asking me to rest in his 'sweet spot' even though being there means grieving things I have lost. Even though it means dealing with pain and trusting him alone for my future. It is indeed a bitter 'sweet' spot to be in. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Don't get me wrong! I would love to be at the other end of this crap, I would love to be experiencing pure joy and elation at having come through but there is something in the journey that I don't want to miss. I don't want to miss his comfort, his walking with me, his overwhelming love, his desire to put my life back together the way he wants it to be. He is lavishing me with love, grace and compassion and I couldn't be more humbled, grateful or at a loss for words in how to express what he is doing in my life. I am learning more than I have the time to make note of but he is burning it into my heart and soul. Funny thing is, it's not just about me. He is giving me something so beautiful that I know it's not just for me. When the time is right, He will ask me to share it with others. He will ask me to open my heart (and most probably my home!) to bring to others what he has given to me.
But for now, he is asking me to rest... and I am learning to do just that.
I am learning to find joy in the little things. I am learning to take the pressure off and to wait until God's timing has things perfectly in place. I am learning to trust that if I don't make something happen 'right now' it doesn't mean I am going to miss out. He's got it covered and will bring it about in his time. Thank the Lord because I have so far done a great job at rushing and messing up things in my life and yet even that is ok. He can restore and he will.
Sitting, waiting, resting and trusting in his timing, his perfect plan and his amazing grace. There's nowhere else I'd rather be...
J xx
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